“It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance.” Romans 2:4
As I write this, I’ve heard a lot of people say that we’re more divided as a country than ever before, and I get that. However, there was that thing called the Civil War back in the 1860s, where people were literally killing others over fundamental disagreements. So there’s that. But while we’re perhaps not that divided yet, we’re certainly involved in “An Uncivil War.” It’s become the norm for people to communicate in ways that are downright uncivil, even barbaric. I think it comes from the top down, with our nation’s leaders using angry, mean, and divisive language as the norm. My concern is that many Christians have seemingly followed suit.
We have a national pandemic of unkindness.
And it only leads to greater division. We have this idea that the more unkind, mean, and snarky we are, we’re somehow going to change the mind of someone who disagrees with us. But the opposite is true! Scripture teaches us that the kindness of God leads us to repentance. Repentance simply means to rethink something. So if we’re interested in changing someone’s mind, changing the way they think about something, kindness is actually our greatest ally.
Kindness is described in most dictionaries as friendly, pleasant, generous, and considerate. Think about that. If I really want someone to rethink something, I need to be as friendly, pleasant, generous, and considerate as I can be. Kindness opens the door for other people to listen; it welcomes them into the conversation. Basically, it makes you someone people want to listen to. On the other hand, unkindness, snarky behavior, and being downright mean actually have the opposite effect. They hinder others from listening, and certainly hinder their ability to rethink their opinion about something.
Think about this in your marriage. When you have a disagreement about something, there’s a natural temptation to be snarky or mean in order to get your point across, to win the argument. But it actually limits your spouse’s ability to hear what you’re saying. Sadly, I’m really good with words. As a result, it’s super easy for me to be snarky and mean to Marlina. However, it definitely doesn’t help Marlina understand my position on something; it only shuts her down. Unkindness actually hinders any kind of helpful communication. When we’re unkind, it makes the other person feel attacked, which leads them to be defensive, or shut down altogether. You might’ve won the battle, but you’ve lost the war.
Social media is the worst about this. We post things that are snarky, to make a point, thinking it’ll somehow change someone’s mind. But the more snarky we are, the less that person can connect with what we’re saying. Unkindness actually prohibits rethinking. It doesn’t create space for others to think and grow, and decide for themselves. On the other hand, when we post things that are kind and considerate, it creates space for people to think in new ways. Again, if you want to change the way someone thinks, kindness is your best friend!
Back to marriage. The apostle Peter says, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (1 Peter 3:7, NIV) The context here is mutual submission. He’s already talked about wives submitting to their husbands in specific ways. But now he says, “In the same way…”. In other words, this is how you submit to your wife. Treat them with consideration and respect. Now when he says, “as the weaker partner…” I don’t think he meant women were weaker in general, but in a 1st-century patriarchal culture, they had less rights, less say in things. And my guess is some husbands thought that gave them a license to be inconsiderate. But in my experience, women are more emotionally aware and relationally sensitive. So kindness and respect creates greater connection with our wives.
It’s also interesting that Peter notes that a person’s prayers can be hindered when they’re inconsiderate and disrespectful. I know that’s true! When I’ve been disrespectful, mean, and snarky to Marlina, it’s almost impossible to pray with her. It feels downright hypocritical and I can feel the distance that I’ve created between us because of my unkindness.
Now some of us might be thinking, but what if they’re dead wrong, even sinful in what they believe? What if I think they’re an enemy to God? An enemy to all things right and good? Even wicked? Well, Jesus has an answer for that too! Check this out. “Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:35-36, NIV)
Our Heavenly Father is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. (That includes you and I, by the way.) And Jesus says that we’re to be kind and merciful in the same way that God is. By the way, if Jesus gives us any directive, it’s a command. It’s not a utopian fantasy or moral ideal. He actually wants us to be kind and merciful to the ungrateful and the wicked. And why? So they can come to repentance—a rethinking, a change of heart and mind that leads to a different course of action.
So when you have a disagreement with your spouse, before you have any discussion about it, ask this question: What is the kindest and most considerate way that I can share my concern? Before you post, or repost, anything on social media, ask the question: Is this friendly? Is it pleasant? Is it considerate? Is it kind? If it’s not, then carefully reword it so it fits the above criteria. If you can’t say it in a way that’s pleasant, considerate, and kind, then don’t say it at all. It goes back to something that my mom taught me: “If you can’t say something kind, don’t say anything at all.”
Words to live by. And you might even change someone’s mind.
Photo by Kevin Wright on Unsplash
By the way, we’ve got room for 5 more people on our Camino de Santiago pilgrimage in Spain this August, but you need to register by Feb 28th! The Camino de Santiago, otherwise known as simply “The Way,” is an epic pilgrimage on the most popular final stage of the Camino, the Sarria to Santiago section! We’ll journey for 5 days covering the last 100km (60 miles) of the Camino Frances route, otherwise known as the French Way. As Camino Pilgrims, we’ll walk through rural Galicia, passing landmarks like the market town of Arzúa and the Monte do Gozo (Mount of Joy), before reaching the city of Santiago de Compostela and its famous Cathedral. We’ll finish our pilgrimage at the traditional end point, the Praza do Obradoiro, where we’ll collect our ‘Compostela’ certificate (Certificate of Completion) from the Pilgrim’s Office. Join Marlina and me in Spain this Summer, August 22-29, 2026! You can get all the info, itinerary, and registration details here: https://born2bewild.net/camino-de-santiago
